One of the things we like to do as sex therapists is to help normalise and destigmatise sex, sexuality, and sexual diversity. Discussing desire is one of the topics that I cover to help build a solid foundation. Generally no two people have the same level of desire at the same time. Sure, it’s more intense in the beginning of the relationship for most couples, and then it settles into something different, the dam burst dies down (somewhat), then desire difference makes itself known. That’s something that can make an individual or a couple unsure of what’s happening now or if they, perhaps their partner, is sexually “okay.”
A flexible sexual repertoire and ability to stay connected throughout the lifetime of your loving relationship is vitally important. I can never stress this enough. Without flexibility and a solid grounding about what equals willingness, what pressure and what different expectations are doing to the relationship, some unkind behaviour can crop up. Once this occurs, it starts to take over desire and intimacy, and a lack of willingness enters the bedroom, which eventually causes problems both inside and outside the bedroom. Change in a relationship over time is a given – pregnancy, post-pregnancy, children, ill-health, extended family issues, tiredness, partner differentiation that isn’t understood, work pressures/long hours spent at work, financial stretches, a lack of general communication, ongoing conflict, attachment to social media, etc, any of the above can impact desire. Libido and desire and willingness, intimacy, can take a hit. I help my clients understand exactly what “sex” and intimacy means to them personally, how that can look different from their partner’s thoughts and feelings, and how to improve understanding and communication around that. How to change things up. How to move away from a linear model or idea of what sex looks like. Sexual pressure, or performance worries, which don’t do anyone any favours in the bedroom, are discussed and worked on. So a new, flexible and enjoyable model comes into being. I work with my clients to build more overall partner awareness, connection, and intimacy.
How do I do that?
I work with psychosexual education.
I work with a different model of sex, not a linear or scripted model.
I help my clients look at all the options, and how to implement significant change.
I work with a solid grounding in, understanding of, willingness.
I help you to take the pressure off yourself and your relationship. Goal-oriented sex feels like performance. We have enough external and internal issues with performance every day, we definitely don’t need that in the bedroom.
I help you to find and explore new ways of enjoying intimacy and sex with your partner.
I help people to understand that they are not “broken” or letting the marriage or their partner down: Damaging thoughts that create and ramp up intimacy and sexual anxieties.
As a relationship and sex therapist, I know that flexibility is the skill that is most helpful for family systems in stressful times. A certain amount of knowledge about sexual function is a foundation for flexibility, allowing us to get the most out of our sexual relationships and intimate connections with changing abilities, bodies, and life circumstances.
If you and your partner are feeling disconnected sexually and intimately, help is absolutely available.